A Rapidly Changing Life

Hello to my friends, family, and the odd stranger who decides to read this! Now that I've been back on the East Coast for just under two months, I figure it's about time I sent out an update and this seems like the most accessible way to do it. So bear with me as I try to explain the immense changes in my life over the last few months.

My Thesis and I

As most of you know, I graduated from St. Stephen's University in April with a completed thesis and a somewhat broken spirit. Academia and I were not friends, but I won and I am very proud of everything I accomplished. I am also extremely grateful for the opportunities that were presented to me through my university and for the personal growth I experienced because of the immense challenge of it. I wouldn't trade the last four years for anything.

I spent the following six months nursing my mental health back to a state near homeostasis -- a challenging prospect considering how exhausted I was at the very core of my being. With this goal in mind, I used my spare time to sit on the beach (often with a beverage of choice) reading books that I hoped would help me understand some of the internal struggle I was facing, listening to music that I liked, and appreciating being outdoors and alone. I also spent a lot of time trying to connect with my friends who were still in town, which was fantastic!

Finding mental rest

My Book List:

1. The Pilgrimage -- Paulo Coehlo
2. In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction -- Gabor Maté, MD
3. If You Feel Too Much -- Jamie Tworkowski
4. Scary Close -- Donald Miller
5. Boy Meets Depression: Or Life Sucks and then you Live -- Kevin Breel
6. The Noonday Demon -- Andrew Solomon (This is what I am currently reading. It's big and heavy -- both literally and in content, but so helpful).

In my not-spare time I worked at the local bakery, which is run by an incredible family that I am so happy I had the chance to work for! The schedule took some adjusting -- there was something simultaneously beautiful and awful about waking up at 5am so I had enough time to walk to work during the summer. Those early morning walks were often the most calming parts of my day, offering me time to reflect and centre myself before a busy day of hard work. Going in, had essentially no experience working in a bakery, so the first few weeks were a little stressful as I tried to orient myself in the workplace and learn everything I had to do. Once I started catching on to that role I was offered a promotion and ended up doing something entirely different than I started with, so I had to transition myself again and learn a whole new set of skills.

Early morning fog

So I spent my summer making tons of loaves of bread, and I loved it! It is such a scientific process with a unique skill set, and I am so glad that I was able to learn it. I found I was never bored of the job because there was always something new for me to learn and it was a very physical job, and meant that I was jacked by the time I left in the fall (okay, maybe I wasn't jacked, but I was very fit!). My boss was a lot of fun to work with and he was patient with me while he taught me everything I now know about making bread and put up with my often ridiculous mistakes. All of my co-workers were amazing and I am glad I was able to get to know them. So thanks to the Niklauses for welcoming me into the Offshore Bakery family and for being so encouraging of my baking progress! I hope the short remainder of your season goes exceptionally well. You all deserve it!

The Thanksgiving weekend I packed up my belongings and left grossly early to fly to New Brunswick for a job. Thank you Dad for driving with me to Toronto at 3am when I am sure you would rather have been sleeping...I know that's what I wanted to be doing! Once I landed in Fredericton, I was met by my friend Jon and we went for an afternoon of driving adventures while listening to great music, catching up on each others' lives, and sitting in silence as I tried to let it sink in that I was "home." I spent that catching up with one of my best friends who I wouldn't see again for 2 months and trying to prepare myself to jump right into work.

Thanksgiving Monday I walked through the doors of SSU to begin my training as an official recruiter for our little university and for the next four weeks I traveled around the East Coast with my recruiting partner, Moriah, talking to hundreds of high school students about our university. This was such a challenging and rewarding month of work. I found it hard talking to so many youth who often didn't want to be at the university fairs because facing the reality that life as they know it is ending is terrifying. At the same time, it was amazing to see the excitement on the faces of some students as they connected with the philosophy of our school -- a couple girls were even so excited that they started crying!

Moriah during our first
recruiting adventure.

 The pinnacle for me was the Open House on the last day of  my contract. At one of the recruiting fairs in Halifax I had spoken to a girl who left our table saying, "I think I just found my university!" She convinced her mom to drive her for five hours to come to our open house, and seeing her excitement while she was there, and watching her as she played games with some of the current students reminded me so much of me when I first visited SSU six years ago. Knowing that I had helped make that connection ensured me that my recruiting efforts were worthwhile!

The iconic St. Stephen pier

Now, I have officially moved to St. Stephen. Immediately after ending my contract with SSU I began a trial period with a special care home. I loved it, and that trial period turned into full-time employment. It is a home for men with mental disabilities. There are seven men in the home, each with their own unique circumstances, but they are all so lovely to spend time with! My role is to provide them with personal support and just help them be able to live their daily lives in a loving setting. This means that I clean the house, shower some of them, prepare meals, administer medications, and just make sure that everyone is happy and healthy. A huge part of my job is just building relationships with these men and spending time with them, and that is why I really love it! While I am working I have to take the Personal Support Worker course for New Brunswick, and to be honest, getting back in the routine of studying is somewhat challenging, but it's very practical based on what I'm doing.

The most exciting thing for me with all of this change is that I have found myself an apartment. It is in a historical building called Todd Mansion that is owned by a couple in the community that I sort of knew. They are working hard to fix up this building, and I am so excited to be living here.

They were as good as they look!

I'm currently living temporarily in an apartment up on the third floor while they fix up my apartment on the first floor, and I can't wait to move in! I've only been living on my own for six days, but I can already tell that I was born for this. I love having my own space and doing home-like things...like cooking and cleaning and just sitting and staring at the ceiling while listening to music. Who knew? Thanks to Alyssa for encouraging me to make chili my first night, and for making cupcakes with me!

So yeah. Things are different now. I'm different. I'm in a different place. And I'm happy. I am so, so happy. I love my job, I love my apartment, I love where I am, and I love who I'm surrounded by. I really miss everyone back home, but I promise I'll visit some day. Everyone has an open invite to visit me here. I have a comfortable blow up mattress (I can vouch for it because I've been sleeping on it all week). So come visit me. I want to share my life with you all!

Now all I need is a car. ;)

Love always,
Kay

Grand Manan

Grand Manan feet

Street Fighter

I am a Street Fighter. 

For one of my classes I was required to do a "civic action project." Essentially, I needed to track down a civic action group and find a way to get involved. The natural choice for me was to choose an organization close to my heart --  To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA).

TWLOHA is an organization based in the United States that raises awareness, support, and funding for mental health initiatives. If you're friends with me, you've probably heard me talk about it once or twice (or all the time...). It opens the conversation surrounding mental health in an attempt to reduce the stigma surrounding the issue. I first heard about it long before I even really knew what it was. I remember in high school, some of my friends walked around the school with permanent markers on World Suicide Prevention Day asking people if they wanted to write "Love" on their arms in support of anyone suffering from depression. Without fully understanding the implications of this, I agreed and walked around for the rest of that day showing my support for the movement I barely understood.

Since that one day many years ago, TWLOHA has become an important support in my own life. My first year at university opened my eyes to the depression I have been living with since my preteen years, and it has been a combination of my physical communities -- both at home, and at university -- and the online community through TWLOHA that has helped me come to terms with my struggle without feeling like an inadequate human being.

The best thing about TWLOHA for me, is that it has taught me that honesty about my own mental illness does not need to be nearly as traumatic as I always thought it would be. I have learned how to openly talk about my ongoing battle without fear of judgment. Surprisingly, people are actually quite understanding. Imagine that! Beyond that, TWLOHA has opened my eyes to just how many people there are globally who deal with mental health struggles. While I was aware of the impact of depression, suicide, addiction, etc. on my life and the lives of the people near me, I was somewhat oblivious to the fact that if affects everyone.


It is difficult to really describe all that TWLOHA has done for me. It is difficult to describe how I have seen it working in the lives of others. But it is important. It is important enough to me that I have permanently written "Love" on my arm because I don't want to temporarily show support. I want to be a permanent advocate for people going through struggles.

So here I am. I don't know everything, but I know more than I did. I am grateful for this experience because it has forced me to be more conscientiously involved than I have been. It has forced me to learn more about the organization, the movement, and the underlying issue.

This upcoming Saturday is the TWLOHA "Run for It 5k." I'm not a great runner, so realistically I am definitely not going to run the whole thing, but I am going to run as much of it as I can. I have purchased a shirt (that you can find here) as a way to financially support this, but I encourage you to donate to the cause if you feel that this organization is worthwhile (DONATE HERE). Do some research first. I support educated donating -- I don't want people to donate simply out of a feeling of obligation. So do what feels right to you. But if you feel so inclined, you could participate in the run too.

Leaving Home

What I have come to learn over the last few years of traveling between home here in Ontario, school on the East Coast, and around the world on my travel semesters is that leaving is always hard. And the most frustrating thing is that it doesn't seem to get any easier the more often I do it. If anything, it seems to be becoming more difficult. 

I am so blessed to have really incredible friends all over Canada and other countries around the world, but this makes leaving places seem so much more difficult, and sometimes, pretty traumatic. Maybe I am just feeling overly dramatic because I am going away for such a long time. From this end, 8 months feels like a lifetime.

Now, I have been away from my second home -- the wonderful university that is SSU -- for 8 months, and that has been hard too. It was especially difficult in September when many of my school friends were reuniting while most of my friends from home had just left for school. I felt pretty lonely and spending 8 months away from my dear friend, Alyssa, has been insanely challenging. But it was all bearable because by the end of last semester I really needed a break from school. I needed some space from the academic world. And this down time has been invaluable. 

So here I am now. I am so ready to get back to SSU and dive back into academia and see my friends that await me there, but my heart is breaking at the notion of leaving my life here. I have recently fostered such close friendships here. My parents and I are getting along incredibly well. I am involved in a youth group with teens that I have invested so much time and love into and I kind of feel like I am deserting some of them in their darkest hours. I have made new friends that I wish I could get to know better. And now that most of my friends are home for Christmas, we have been spending a lot of time together and it has felt beautifully warm and comfortable. So it hurts. 

At the same time, I know that this challenge will stretch me in some positive ways, and I have such an exciting time ahead of me. So don't mistake this for something it is not. I am simply venting. I am honestly very excited to get on to the next chapter of my life and I can't wait to see what sorts of adventures I find myself in! 

My friend, Brent, wisely told me, "...if anything, just be happy you've got a group of kick ass people to see you when you get back." And for that, I could not be more thankful. So to all of my friends here at home, I'll miss you while I'm gone so please stay in touch! (Letters, emails, Facebook, Twitter, Skype, FaceTime, etc., etc., etc.). I'll see most of you in August! To my friends who I will not be seeing until May, I still miss you and I love hearing from you when I do. I can't wait to see you. And to my friends I will be seeing in just about a week, I AM SO EXCITED. See you soon!

Peace & Love, 

Kay.

A beautifully crazy group of people I get to call my friends.
Photo Credit: J. Kononiuk

10 Life Lessons

Here are some of the most helpful things I've learned over the last few years. Maybe they'll help somebody else too!

1. If you fight through SAD (Seasonal Affected Disorder), take Vitamin D supplements. It helps ward off the lethargy and darkness on the gloomy days. It has made all the difference for me. So try it out if you don't already! (Besides, as I found out today, it can help boost your immune system too!) Or try some light therapy. That may help you too. I'll leave you with some articles to read about this.
• http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/06/110617185105.htm
• http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052748703300504574567881192085174
2. Learning whether you are an introvert or an extrovert can make a huge difference in your overall energy levels, assuming you learn how to cater to that tendency in yourself. Please note, not all introverts are shy and quiet and not all extroverts are loud and outgoing. It is simply a matter of where you get your energy. Introverts gain their energy from time alone or with one-on-one time. Extroverts gain energy from being around people. Which are you?
3. Sometimes your parents really do know best, even when it's annoying.
4. Start coming up with ideas for what you want to do once you're done school before you're done school and start contacting businesses and organizations early. It can be a huge step up making contacts in advance and also to gain their wisdom on what it takes to break into the field. 
5. Not all friendships are going to last forever, and that is OKAY. (Note: this does not mean that they all end tragically and you stop talking to this person, it simply means that you don't have the same level of connection as maybe you once did).
6. Take time to foster the friendships you do have. Just remember that you do not have an endless supply of time or energy, so you will not likely be able to put the same amount of time and effort into each and every friendship you have (especially if, like me, you have over a thousand friends you care about deeply. It's just not possible to invest the same amount of time into each of those people). So try to focus on the ones that are directly around you!
7. Be proactive and try not to procrastinate. Speaking from experience, procrastinating only makes things more stressful, especially when you have all that extra time to sit around worrying about what you're putting off. So just hop to it! Here's a tip though: it is inevitable that you will procrastinate at some point through your day. So schedule it in! That way you don't have to think about it. Figure out how much time you procrastinate, stick it into your calendar on each day and that can be your scheduled break time. Procrastination problem solved!
8. Spend time in nature, and truly appreciate it. Tired? Busy? Stressed? Lazy? Do it anyways. It is good for your soul.
9. Take time for yourself. As my friend says, "take a vacation." This does not necessarily mean that you need to go anywhere, just find time to stop worrying about whatever you're worrying about and just breathe. Your body and mind will thank you for it later.
10. Try some manual labour. You may surprise yourself and find that you really enjoy it. (Besides, it's a good way to gain a little strength and get some exercise without really "exercising!").

Peace & Love,
Kay

Mourning Strangers

Today, a heartbreaking event occurred in Toronto. An elderly couple aged 84 and 89, each with their own health issues jumped off of the balcony of their high-rise apartment to the ground below. A double suicide. 

At dinner tonight this event was brought up and as a family, we discussed it at length. We all agreed it was awful, and I kind of felt like I was walking on eggshells. We talked about how the husband chose to jump after his wife because he couldn't live without his wife and that is why they both jumped. Both of my parents said that while they would certainly not be jumping for joy if the other killed themselves, they would also not follow right behind. 

This got me thinking.

It is a noble thing to say that you would die for someone. The sentiments are great. And I truly think it is wonderful that people can feel that strongly about other people. But I also think that it is more noble to live for someone. 

To die for someone leaves them without you. And I guess I just question how much of a blessing that really is. I know if this happened to me I would be entirely in awe that someone loved me enough to die for me. But I know too, that I would be angry. I would be angry that they, in the words of Bruno Mars (wooo), caught a grenade, or jumped in front of a train, or took a bullet straight through the brain for me and left me seemingly alone. I would be heartbroken that they were dead in the same way that they would be heartbroken if I died. But even more than that, I know I would blame myself. It would essentially be my fault that they were dead, and I am not sure that I would be able to forgive myself for that. I just don't know that dying for someone (or in this case, with someone) is the best way to express your love for them.

So I say, live for the people you love. Make something of your life. Live in a way that would honour the people you love that have died. Don't put their love to waste. And help other people. If you have been seriously affected by the death of a loved one, find a way to help other people going through similar situations, because goodness knows that they need support. This I think, is the more noble option. It is certainly the more difficult option, in my opinion. Because it is hard to keep going when your heart is breaking and your world feels like it is in shambles. Do it anyways.

Now, prior to this discussion I had not known anything of the event -- I did not know their ages, nor did I know that they had physical ailments. Let me just take a moment here to explain that I do not think this makes the situation any less heartbreaking and awful. Suicide is not an easy topic to think about, talk about, hear about. It will never be. I know this all too well -- it has touched me with its cold and painful hands on more than one occasion. But in light of this event and these further details, I have been left with a few questions.

The article (the link is posted below) does not speak of family for the couple. Does that mean there are none? Regardless, they obviously had many people who cared about them, did they think of how they would feel? What was written within the letters left behind? Were they explanations? Or apologies? Were they blaming someone? Did they feel that they were a burden upon others? Were they only escaping their physical pain (and the emotional strain that I am sure accompanied that)? Recognizing that they were elderly and heavily burdened with physical pains and medical issues, is this an acceptable response from the couple? Was this their only method of escape? 

I have more questions -- too many. I can't even begin to decipher them all. It is like a whirlwind of emotion and confusion and pain. I did not even know these people. I can only imagine what the people who did know them are experiencing right now. 

My heart breaks for you.

Love,

Kay

P.S. If interested, you can find the article I read here.

My Extremely Extended Family

I am an only child. 

Growing up, I always wanted a little brother and would even go so far as to ask both my parents and Santa for one for Christmas. While that never happened and I remained an only child, I have been extremely blessed to find two young friends that have become my adopted brothers and to have a cousin who is also like a little brother to me. Furthermore, I have also been blessed with a couple of my married friends who have chosen to take me under their wings as their "little sister."

What I really love about them is that my relationship with each is radically different, and yet they all have the same status in terms of my extended family. One will go on beach walks and cuddle and play guitar and write songs with me. Another will get me to watch football and make me help move brush around at his house and play with his dog. Yet another plays geeky card games with me. One is my "partying" brother, but is also my boss and my mentor and my personal bad-joke-teller. And the last gets me interested in extreme sports (sea kayaking, mountain biking, etc.) and has a similar love for scotch as I do. The one factor that ties them all together is the ability I have with each of them to be honest and have a deep conversation when we want to. And this is something I value above all.

I honestly cannot imagine my life without them. While we may not always be in the same area (between my NB life and world traveling and the one who lives in SK), and while we may not talk all the time, I know that they always have my back just as I always have theirs. I love them all dearly and I am deeply grateful for their presence in my life.

So to the five of you (and you know who you are): 

I love you. Thank you for everything. You mean the world to me. Let's talk more.

 

Peace & Love,

Kay

Warm Drinks, Warm Memories

Have you ever met someone who you have an instant connection with? It's an intriguing experience, and one that I was fortunate enough to have this evening. 

I finally met the creative brains behind SHE SAID SAVE ME. 

For the purposes of this post, I will call him J. After a long string of messages following my initial "general appreciation" message about his music, J and I finally managed to work out a time to get together while he was visiting home this weekend. We met at Coffee Culture where I had warm drinks ready for when he arrived, and after an almost awkward introduction (really, how do you "introduce" yourself to someone you already sort of know kind of well?), we just fell into easy conversation about music, film sets, my potential thesis topics and international issues. We spent a good hour and a half just talking and getting to know each other in person. I can only speak for myself, but it hardly felt like that much time passed.

I love the dynamics of friendship.

In other news, I went directly from coffee with J to a family dinner with my dad's cousins and other assorted relatives. It was wonderfully exhausting. Babies, parents, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles...it was incredible. And busy. Lots of catching up happened over the next 5 hours, along with eating good food and sharing our respective talents, including music, poetry and storytelling.

Needless to say, as wonderful as this family time was, being crowded into a cottage with 15 other people (though not entirely uncomfortably), it was beautiful and overwhelming. 

I love the dynamics of family.

I have thoroughly enjoyed this alone time/quiet time to write this, and am now relaxed and ready for bed. So I will leave you with my love well-wishes. 

Peace & Love,

K.